Why I Hate February

just the worst

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Since we’re almost upon that most dreaded of months, I decided to dust off this chestnut about February being my least favorite time of year. Why is February the worst month? So glad you asked…

1)      Weather

This one is fairly obvious. February is the coldest month of the year (at least in the Northeast U.S. where I live), and, as evidenced by the insane number of snowstorms to hit the area in the past few years, this time of year can’t move by fast enough. While we’ve been lucky so far this year with no significant snowfall yet, there was a period last year when I couldn’t remember what my front lawn looked like. In fact, I can definitely see myself moving to Florida 30 years from now with all the other geezers.

2)      Holidays

February has the worst holidays of the year. Although “Groundhog Day” is my favorite movie, the day itself is a ridiculous tradition arranged around a tunnel-dwelling rodent predicting the weather. In fact, this is part of the joke in “Groundhog Day.” There’s little suspense this day: Punxsutawney Phil almost always sees his shadow, which means six more weeks of winter. Hmm, maybe he did what Phil Connors (Bill Murray) did in the movie that bears his holiday’s namesake and just looked at a calendar: “I’m predicting March 21st.”

And don’t get me started on Valentine’s Day, a Hallmark-created holiday designed to boost revenue between Christmas and Easter. Look at your calendar: It’s no coincidence that Valentine’s Day (or “V.D.” for short) falls exactly between these two juggernaut, sales-generating holidays; it’s exactly two months away from each. V.D. is targeted for a very specific group of people: women in relationships. It’s not for single men and women or men in relationships; I’ll explain why. It’s obviously not for single men and women because this holiday, with all the cheesy commercials of couples exchanging gifts and holding hands and sales dedicated to romantic love, is almost singlehandedly responsible for plunging single folk into a deeper funk of loneliness and depression—all during the dead of winter. In fact, I’m surprised the suicide rate doesn’t spike as high this time of year as it does during Christmas. Also, this holiday is not really intended for men in relationships, because they’re challenged to buy bigger and better gifts and think of greater surprises for their significant others every year. A friend to their wallets, it’s not. To quote Homer Simpson: “I’m sick of all this Valentine’s Day crap!”

Finally, I still haven’t figured out if Presidents’ Day is solely dedicated to George Washington, our first president, and Abraham Lincoln, arguably our greatest, since they share the same birthday month, or is it supposed to celebrate every U.S. president who ever lived? (I hope it’s the former, considering who’s been in charge of this country in the past.) Still, it’s nice to get off work!

3)      Work

Speaking of which, February happens to be the busiest time of the year at my job as a Senior Editor. We start a season known as the dreaded “Boiler Code,” and it’s nonstop editing until the books get published July 1st. I’m talking thousands of pages here. Also, we’re discouraged from taking any vacation days during this time, save the aforementioned Presidents’ Day. Right, ‘cause we wouldn’t want to escape to a tropical getaway in the middle of winter. Better to do that during the intense, blazing heat of mid-August.

4)      Leap Year

Every four years, February gets to add another day to itself. Y’know, just ‘cause it’s cool. Also, it likes to mess with our heads and ruin our calendars and watches. “Dammit, I just reset this watch four years ago!!”

5)      Length

At 28 days (29 for Leap Year), February is the shortest month of the year. Actually, maybe that’s a good thing…


P.S.: Next week’s blog: Why “Groundhog Day” Still Matters (another oldie but goodie)

P.P.S.: Danger Peak is now available on Amazon and Barnes & Noble (I hear good things!):

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